I hung out with him last Sunday. Mistake, I know. Parents found out. I lost my car for the rest of break. I had a long conversation with my dad that night...a good one. He told me Erick goes around with other girls. I didn't believe him. He told me he had evidence that Erick was caught with a girl in his house a few months ago. I started to shed the ignorance and accept it was probably true. I asked Erick who it was. He said Tiera. I texted her and asked her what happened. Erick said the two of them never did anything. Tiera told me they had sex when they were drunk, and she was really apologetic when she found out he and I were together. I wasn't mad at her. I told Erick. He brushed it off like it was no big deal. Scum. I might have messed around with other people but at least I had the decency to tell him and feel like shit about it -- even though I shouldn't have because all those times he and I weren't together.

I told him I couldn't see him again, and he proceeded by acting like a total psycho. Surprise...I know. Blackmail, threats, insults... Just a giant bucket of fucking douchebaggery. I laughed myself to sleep.

He called my mom and told her I did drugs in D.C. She was unhappy. But my dad told me not to let him blackmail me anymore. So when he threatened to put naked pictures of me on the internet, I told my dad.

(Dec 23, 12:49 PM -- Amd yeah, it can make them more angry when your daddy finds your pictures on the internet. so much for your Parents precious name.)

My dad called the Thompsons and let them know the repercussions (legally) that would follow if he did post them...and also the trouble we could already get him in, just for making threats. Erick, who had already been kicked out of his house and had blown all his money on a Blackberry and alcohol, was now ready to piss his pants for fear of losing the only job he could really ever have. I smiled.

He texted me later that night and told me he had deleted everything, and not to respond. I really tried  not to respond, but after ALL the shit he had been saying to me, I had some things to get off my chest. The first was, "hahahahaha....in  your FACE." Followed by reminders of things he'd written to me about how he loved all these things about me that he'd never see again. He told me they were all true and to please just let it be over and stop contacting him. I did. I had won, after all, and I realized I had been acting like him. Immature.

But it's done. It's all over. I've burned most of what he wrote to me except a few things. I'll burn the rest when I get back to Tech because it's in my apartment.

I do kind of wish he'd given me my Christmas presents: an iPod and Armani Code perfume...and a supposed trip to the spa along with $1300. Even though his mom said all he had left was $28, because he spent it all on alcohol. What a winner.

I feel so different. Like I get to start all over again. It feels weird, but good. It's odd not having him obsessing over me and blowing up my phone and hearing "I love you" all the time. But who the fuck cares? Erick may have loved me, and he may not have. But he didn't treat me like a girl he loved. You can't do things like that to someone you love. Not if your love is pure, and real, and true.

It wasn't. I can accept that now.

---

I miss the way she bitches about everything
I miss the noise she makes when I hug her really tight
I miss the way she looks back at me when I tell her, "I love you, goodnight."
I miss her smile
I miss her kisses
I miss how she sounds on the phone at 4 am or when she first wakes up
I miss her laugh
I miss talking to her while she poops
I miss holding her hand in public
I miss seeing her name on my phone when it's ringing first thing in the morning
I miss holding her towel up for her so she can get out of her bathing suit at the lake so no one can see her but me
I miss tickling her
I miss licking her nose
I miss sneaking her into my house
I miss being her tree
I miss playing Nintendo with her
I miss putting my arm around her and kissing her head
I miss making her smile
I miss buying her 30 dollar strawberries
I miss making her laugh
I miss driving her car
I miss walking her to class
I miss waiting for her to get ready for anything
I miss making love with her
I miss giving my Camel Crushes to her for her to crush
I love the way she makes me feel complete
I love the way she thinks stupid names I call her are cool (like Kiwi or Mittses)
I love the way she kisses me in the car
I love the way she still thinks I'm cool even though I look like an idiot listening to Slipknot full blast

Almost makes you think he really did love me, doesn't it?

Almost makes you wish any of his words weren't a hopeful bullshit fantasy and he actually had what it took to change himself.

But he didn't, and that's reality for you.

So. Life goes on. People come and go. But the one thing that remains constant is yourself. You learn, you evolve, you grow, and you realize your mistakes. You forgive yourself for being a total dumbass for half your life, and you learn to treat yourself better. You learn what you're worth.

And you learn exactly what type of people can't be what you deserve, so that one day, you'll find the only one who can.

I don't know who you are, but I know you're out there. I'm not even going to look for you, because you'll probably end up being right under my nose. I may know you, or I may not meet you for years... But I already love you.

And it is real.

---

I'd like to say that I hope to see Erick one day, and he has his life together, and is happy. But in all honesty, I hope I never see him again. Ever again.